Television: ... in other news, a group of more-or-less unreligious non-extremists did not kill anybody in God's name...

Television: Self-described "unassuming lackadaisicals" issued a statement just afterward, claiming responsibility.

Television: "We're not, like, atheists or anything," came the anything-but-stern warning. "I guess we could go to church more... anyway, point is, didn't kill or hurt anybody on a directive from God." Experts say this is nothing new for the group, and the world should brace for more of the same.

BoxJam: ... and I took out the trash.

Television: Finally tonight, BoxJam took out the trash. This has been "Obvious News." Good night.